Cruise Confidential meets Maxim

The word is most definitely out: cruise ships are wild places. 14 million passengers a year have as much opportunity for partying as they ever will in their lives. They are floating pleasure palaces with shows and casinos, with massages and feasts, and occasionally a port of call. And sex, drinking, sex and drinking. OK, that last part was more about the crew than the passengers.

The stories are growing more prolific about the licentious lives of the crew, and it was only a matter of time that a magazine that is really a Milkbone for Men (that is, Maxim) takes a peek below the waterline (a la Cruise Confidential). This is not surprising. Since Cruise Confidential was released last year, it has since won two national humor awards and is spawning a plethora of knock-offs. Maxim has the most fun with it, thus far.

Maxim’s November 2009 issue has an article, Wet & Wild, that takes a vivid, if glancing, look at the craziness of being a crewmember on a modern cruise ship. Considering the demographic of the magazine, it is not surprising that it pumps up the crew’s constant boozing and international sex-scapades. No less than three references to ‘threesomes’ come in a mere three pages, and each paragraph is saturated with alcohol. In a further effort to sensationalize the whole cruising experience, the article blends in the surprising side of ship-board mechanics. Surprising only for those who have never bothered to think about it. Case in point: dead bodies are stored in a walk-in freezer. Sounds intriguing but, really, what other method would you suggest?

Still, after living at sea four years and writing the authoritative book about the subject, I can honestly attest that 90% of the stuff is, if sensationalized, nonetheless true. Shall we take a peek?

True: passengers are not allowed in the crew bar, which is a dark, smoky sensual-naughty-fantastic place.
True: passengers are referred to as ‘animals’ by the crew.
True: crew members drink themselves sick and screw everything that moves (barring ‘animals’).

The article continues to grab at all the stuff people wonder in passing: what about falling overboard, what about rapes, what about murders? Do the cruise lines really cover them up? What about pirates and sinkings? All hurled at the reader with shocking suddenness and only a passing reference to how you really don’t need to worry about any of it.

The article has many little tidbits that are worth reading. We learn how hearing “Hey, Baby” 1,000 times a day will make you crazy. We learn of the guys who are fired for cooking in their cabin: an entire pig’s head roasting painfully slow over a hot-plate. We learn of the Pacific Islanders who are ‘gay at sea’ but have families back home. This is the stuff that makes ship life memorable.

After reading the article, the most fun is perhaps had in analyzing the illustration of a cut-away view of a ship, with all the article’s stories therein. My personal favorite is the captain at the top holding out a pair of underwear. I am reminded of the captain of Carnival Conquest, an old Italian fellow, who had a low-ranking officer invite various female crew to his cabin for a conversation about ‘possible advancement’, or whatever other excuse could be had. This one I know all about, because my girlfriend earned some enmity by declining.

Let’s see what else is in the illustration…

Dead body in the freezer? Check.
Sailor smoking a cigarette on the anchor chain? Check.
Hog’s head on a hot plate, gay at sea couple kissing? Check. Check.
Beer pong and beer bongs? Sorry.
Nope, no hookahs or boxing either.
Chef urinating in the soup? What, is this Fight Club?
And everywhere threesomes? You wish.