Mars Needs Women

What happens in Area 51... stays in Area 51.
Well, not exactly. While I have no actual story to write, I do have pictures of proof of life. The E.T. Midnight Moonlight Marathon was a huge success. Hats off to the race coordinator, Joyce, for putting on a show that was out of this world (yes, there will be space puns: deal with it). Before I launch into my own experiences at the midnight marathon, I should describe the gnarly background.

First of all, this race was held on the Extra Terrestrial Highway in Nevada. This is an official designation because there have been literally hundreds and hundreds of reported UFO sightings upon it. This lonely stretch of concrete is the closest that mere mortals are allowed to get to the infamous Area 51. For anyone who is not familiar with the lore, well, there is a whole lotta stuff to explain. I will be brief. If you know it, skip the next three paragraphs.

The most lauded UFO encounter in Earth history is surely the supposed crash site in Roswell, New Mexico. In 1948 or so, something crashed in the desert and the local Air Force base came in and hushed everything. Supposedly it was a UFO and exhibited intriguing, beyond-Earthly technology. Some say there were even a few alien survivors of the wreck. The point is, the government allegedly spirited away the technology to Area 51, where they tried to reverse-engineer alien technology to create our own spaceship.

That's the legend. The reality is that Area 51 is extremely top secret, even now, but in those days particularly so. For decades the U.S. has tested new technology, such as the famous U-2 spy plane of the Cold War and the amazing stealth technology of today. No one is allowed anywhere near the area, which is just a patch of dirt in the middle of nowhere. Actually, it is enclosed by the Atomic Proving Grounds and a U.S. Airforce Bombing Range. Thusly very few people are within hundreds of square miles. The few ranchers out there, or those passing a lonely night on Highway 375 (the E.T. Highway) have repeatedly seen very, very odd sights in the night skies around Area 51.

The closest spot to Area 51, smack dab in the middle of the E.T. Highway, is a little speck on the map called Rachel, NV. Rachel has a famous structure called the Little A'Le'Inn, and all the UFO buffs and fanatics congregate there. It is miles from anywhere, and only until the last decade of last century did it even have a gas station within 100 miles of it.

The logistics of the marathon were daunting. First of all, some 600 runners participated. Now, Rachel has not even a gas station, so the organizers of Calico Racing had to bus in folks from Vegas. That's a 2.5 hour trip by bus. They stopped at the Black Mailbox. What is the Black Mailbox? It is a local rancher's mailbox, but it happens to be the only landmark within so damn many miles that everyone uses it as a launching point for secret forays into Area 51 (none of which have ever worked in history). UFO buffs snuck bits of it for mementos of their visit to this shrine of alien activity, so much so that the rancher had to replace it with a heavy iron bastard of a box. He included a second box for donations to the aliens, for those foolish enough to think they will receive it. Oh, and it's a white mailbox.

But as my wife and I drove up race night around 11PM, there was no mistaking the site. Six huge buses were there and hundreds of people milled around. It was a creepy, shifting mass in the darkness lit only by glow sticks and reflective tape. We pulled up and were an immediate sensation. No, not because I'm famous (more's the pity) but because I was dressed as an alien.

Yes, I went all out on this one. I had spent weeks trying to find a silver, sparkling unitard to make an alien costume, but they just aren't commonly worn by 200 pound men. This should not be a surprise to anyone. I finally found a silvery space-man outfit, and had to complete the alien costume. That meant green makeup, fake ears, and shaving my head. It was not an ideal get-up for a race, to be sure, but it was only 13.1 miles and I was still worried about my leg injury anyway. This way I would be forced to take it easy.

Within seconds of arrival a trio approached me. The man gestured to his two young, female companions and said to me very formally, "Welcome to earth. I present to you a gift of these two female earthlings, in exchange for peaceful intentions towards out planet and a photo with you."

"I agree to your terms," I replied, trying not to meet my wife's frown. "Mars needs women."

At midnight the marathon was to begin, and at 12:30 the half. The starting line for the half marathon was a nondescript spot on the highway, and everyone was bused there. Joyce, the owner of Calico Racing, made it clear that everyone MUST be bused and if they try to drop themselves off in their own car, they will be disqualified instantly. Because this was a government highway, she had severe rules to obey and there were no shoulders on the highway there. So the cops allowed the buses, and the buses only, to block the highway for us. The logistics of busing people from Vegas to the Black Mailbox to the halfway starting point to the finish line and back to everything was a nightmare. Joyce is amazing.

And so the race began. Being at night, we were required to bring a flashlight. I never used mine because everyone else had one and my costume reflected so much light I was fine. A long line of glow sticks and jumping points of light disappeared into the distance. I forced myself to go slow, paranoid that my injury would flare up again, but it was hard to watch so many people rush out before me. It was a cold night at 5,000 feet elevation with a chilly breeze. The route ascended for the first six miles up to the top of Coyote Pass, at nearly 6,000 feet, then descended down to Rachel.

What a fun race! It was a quiet run beneath the stars, which was a first for me. Also a first was running with an iPod, which I will do forever after. What a distinct pleasure the run was, just me and the night. I stared up at the sky, wondering if I, too, would see a UFO. In fact, I did see a couple shooting stars that were damned odd. The first coincided with my crossing a cattle guard. You know how hard those are to run over in the dark? One wrong step and you twist your damned foot off. Right when I was running over it the light above me shot through the heavens very, very low and very thick. This was not your usual falling star. A UFO? I wish, but in fact the Perseid Meteor Shower happens every year about this time.

Anyway, I think my difficulty with the cattle guard was karma for what happened at a previous one. Runners are spread out thin and running alone, remember. At one point when I began to pass a lady, she turned and looked at me... and nearly jumped out of her skin. Out of the corner of her eye, miles from anything in the dark, a huge bald green being was about to rush her. This coincided with a cattle guard, and she nearly fell to her doom. This type of reaction happened a lot, actually. Kinda funny. Hell, I had the same reaction from my wife when she came home from work and saw me sitting at the computer in my makeup!

I ran hard the last several miles, when I realized my injury was not going to be a problem. In hindsight I wish I had pushed it a lot harder, but that is what got me in trouble in the first place. I had the satisfaction of passing many people near the end, though of the 291 people running the half marathon, I ranked a paltry 48. It didn't matter though, I was just happy to finish feeling better than when I started. That was a race first for me.

I also won the Best Costume award, thank you very much. That's good, because I got green makeup on everything. Pics are on my Facebook site, for those inclined to see a bald, green Brian. I never saw any aliens, but I got to see the famous A'Le'Inn, featured so prominently in the X-Files, among other Sci-fi favorites. What a great race... I'll be back next year for sure!